I have been stopping in at work this week to help get my substitute ready to start the year. I will be out until Nov. 17! T will be 2 days shy of 5 months old. Believe me- I know how lucky I am. School has been stressing me out though. Whenever I go up- people comment on how I shouldn't be there- yes I realize I am on maternity leave but I also need to help my sub. If I were more organized maybe I wouldn't need to be there. I switched classrooms this year so I needed to get things in order and unpacked. Plus I needed to explain some things to the sub. Tomorrow FJ is going to bring T to work with him so I can finalize a few things.
We have a new teacher this year who I know from the past. He was in a "highly qualified" course that I taught last year. When I met him, his wife had just had a baby girl and he couldn't have been a more excited/ proud new poppa. About 5 months later I had heard that his baby died of SIDS. I was pregnant at the time of hearing this and felt such sympathy for him and his wife. How could they go home to a house full of baby stuff knowing they would never see their little girl again (in this world anyway). I remember crying and crying about it. Well, now he is teaching at my school and collaborating (co-teaching) with me for 2 of my classes. When I saw him again yesterday (I hadn't seen him since the tragedy) I didn't know what to say. I wasn't even sure if he'd remember me. I had T in the B.jorn and walked into a room where he was. Another teacher made a comment that T was always sleeping. She made the comment to the new teacher as if to include him in our conversation. He looked down sadly and said that was how Hannah was. I just about lost it.
I just don't know how to handle this. Since he and I don't know each other well- I don't know if its appropriate to say something about how I am so sorry or if I should "Pretend" I don't know what happened and wait for him to tell me about Hannah. I left school yesterday crying because I can't imagine SIDS taking T but it could just as easily as it took Hannah. How should I handle this?
On another note- I lost 3 more pounds this week. I am now down 5! At my highest weight of pregnancy- I was 34 pounds more than I am now. Sadly- I have about 18 pounds to go to where my pre-IF treatment clothes will fit me. I am determined and excited to get there. I am still wearing some maternity pants since I really don't have any summer clothes that are fitting. I went to K.ohl's in hopes of buying some decent pants and nothing looks right. I am not sure if I should go ahead and buy some clothes in larger sizes now or wait until November when I go back to work and buy a new work wardrobe. Any thoughts?
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12 comments:
Hi, and thanks for coming to visit me!
I always fine this so hard, and what I try to do now is simply hold space for the person. Let my heart fill with love and compassion, and then approach them with all that love. Then whatever ends up being talking about the other person can feel it coming that place of loving support, instead of getting a vibe of discomfort, or the kind of sympathy that sort of feels like "pity" (you know what I mean.) I'm sure your loving heart will come across to him as it did in your writing.
Wow- that is a very tough place to be, but I think that he might appreciate you acknowledging his loss. After that, he will let you know how much he needs. Good luck and congrats on your baby!
(iclw)
It is so difficult finding the right words. I suffered 2 miscarriages and 2 ectopic pregnacies. I also dealt with 12 years of infertility. 7 years later, and as leader of my support group, I still don't know what to say. I always try to think back to the things I wanted to hear when I was in pain and remember how good it was to hear words of comfort. It was better than people pretending nothing happened.
I definitely second the letting him know how sorry you are: If nothing else it let's him know that you care.
ICLW
Hi! It's my first time to visit your blog. Congratulations on having T!
Meanwhile, re clothes. I would buy a few basics on your current size and mix and match them. Also, Target (not sure about Kohls) always has a clearance rack for all their departments including maternity. YOu can easily get some stuff there for $3-6!
Re co-teacher's loss...you can just sincerely say you are sorry for their loss. Not a lot of words are needed.
Arpee @ The Saga of Becoming Fruitful
I think the best thing you can do is say ..."I am so very sorry for your loss, and if there is anything I can ever do for you, or you would like to talk, please let me know."
Touch his arm, look him in the eye when you tell him....then move on to other topics. You want to acknowledge the loss, let him know you care, but you don't want him to feel pressured to talk about it at work, it might be too emotional.
Ech, that is so horrible. I had 2 ectopics and was devastated, but I cannot really fathom the horror of losing an infant to SIDS.
I agree. Sometimes the best thing you can say is that you're sorry and to let him know you're there if he needs anything. Even if you didn't know him well, it's always acceptable and welcome to acknowledge and be respectful of his loss.
That's a tough one. I would just wait it out and see what happens. Since you'll be co-teaching you will likely have personal conversations, so just let him bring it up if he chooses to. Unless and until that happens I would just keep talk of T to a minimum until you can see where he's at. That is just terrible. Really. Terrible.
That's great about your weight loss though! I'm jealous. I am squeezing into my pre-pregnancy jeans in hope that they will miraculously stretch. Considering there is no spandex in them I'm not sure how that would happen, but a girl can dream, right? :)
HUGS!
I really like Teal's advice... And, belated congrats on your bundle of joy! It is nice to see that even the longer journeys have happy endings.
An ICLW Wanderer
Thanks for stopping by my blog!
Your co-worker, that's a tough one. My sister lost a little boy to SIDS when he was 2 mos old and it was devastating for her. For guys it may be different - but I know that she appreciates it when people acknowledge her little boy. It's hard when people forget or act like nothing happened. I think the daddies get forgotten more often than the mommies and this was their child too.
If you know the birthdate - a little "thinking of you" note is always nice. Just let him know you haven't forgotten that might be a tough day for him. Likewise the loss date - just a simple "thinking of you" can go a long way. I think he would be touched that someone remembered and acknowledged what was bound to be a rough day. Since he made the comment about his little girl - it sounds as if he is open to being able to talk about her and may welcome the chance to. Tears are okay - it isn't a bad thing to think about someone you love, with loss, tears are expected too with those memories. When people let me cry and didn't try to make me stop crying, I was appreciative of that. When others shed a few tears too - I was very touched.
My baby sister lost her only son to SIDS at the age of 2 months 10 years ago - it was devastating. This is something that takes a lifetime of healing and you never completely stop grieving.
Good wishes with the weight loss!
Nov 17th is my 40th bday - so I hope the time goes by Sloooooooowly for both of us!
This is so hard. It's hard to find the right words when someone has gone through something so horrific. I think keep it simple and sincere and then you are done.
Isn't it scary that there is always something to worry about?
Let him know that you are there, give him the space to talk if he needs. It is always hard knowing so much about a person who feels like is stranger.
Congratulations on the weight loss, that is great. Buy a couple of pants if you think you need them, but hold off on the new wardrobe. You are on track to getting there and still have pleanty of time left.
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