Scared and guilty- updated

I feel so guilty that I feel this way today but I do... Scared. I feel like I shouldn't have to feel this way anymore but I am and probably will for the next umpteen years of my life. I have a colleague (she's actually sort of my boss but we are friends so I consider her an equal) who told me she was pregnant also a few days before Christmas. She said she wasn't sure how far along she was at that point but she knew her due date was July 1. July 1??? That's 2 days after me! I was excited that we could enjoy our pregnancies together. Yesterday I got a group email from her saying that she had a "medical emergency" that has caused her to be out of work recovering for the next few days. I immediately emailed her back to find out if everything was okay. Sadly, it's not. She went in for a routine appt. and boom- the world stopped because the baby had died. I just can't believe it. This doesn't happen to other people. It just doesn't seem fair. Selfishly, I am now scared to death that I will follow in her footsteps. I have a dr's appt today and I barely slept last night. Hopefully I will be able to post some relief later today. Say a little prayer for me if you are a praying person- if not- positive thoughts and vibes sent my way would be wonderful! Thank you.

I just got back from an emotional dr's appt. Before I go any further- all is well. The heartbeat was strong and constistant at 158. The Dr. says it must be a boy this time because it took a minute to find the h/b and the doc says boys don't typically cooperate. Of course he said it was a girl last time so ce' la vis! We aren't finding out the gender by the way- just going to wait it out in neutrality. I have strong boy vibes but I think that is because I have 2 nephews and can't imagine a girl. I will be thrilled regardless! Anyway, the emotional part... I stopped by my RE's office to give back a follistim pack that was never used and ran into the RE and his nurse. They were both so positive and excited for me and it just made me so emotional. I felt so much empathy for the women sitting in that waiting room. I will always empathize with the IF world and that really hit me today. I cried the whole way home and I can't really pinpoint why- just that the whole cycle has come almost full circle and things are still looking promising. I don't have another appt for 4 weeks... 4 weeks! That will be the longest I have gone to date! On Feb. 1 I will have my "big" u/s with a high risk specialist and then a follow up that day with my OB. I hope I make it until then! Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers!

almost 14 weeks!

Merry Christmas (belated) to all of you! FJ and I just got home from a wonderful week away. We spent 3 days in NYC and did it all. FJ was surprised and thrilled about his tour of Yankee stadium and I was equally thrilled to meet Al Roker at the Today show. All in all it was a fantastic trip. We also spent 3 days with FJ's family including his 2 brothers, their wives, one baby, his sister, and her husband. It was a full house but fantastic! I of course felt empathy for my SIL who is sufffering from IF. We talked about her situation some and I can't help but be frustrated with her and for her. She has been going to an IF clinic in Vermont for over a year now and the drs refuse to put her on any medication because of her weight. They want her to lose 15 pounds in order to start Met.form.in and clomid but with her PCOS, she finds it utterly impossible. The thing is, we all know of women larger than her (she is overweight but not to the extreme) that have gone through IF treatments far more invasive than a little medication. I have told her over and over that she needs to go see a new dr who will listen to her and at least try her on something. Even if they put her on a diet first. Right now they are just telling her- go lose weight and come back once you have. Anyhow... If anyone has any advice for me to share with her, it would be appreciated.

As for me and the little bambino- The dr called with the n/t results. I was driving so I couldn't write them down but will when I have my OB appt next week... I know that with my age (33 at time of delivery) I am at a mediocre risk of having a baby with downs and my results showed a slight increase but still within the normal range. I have so many friends and family members who have had false positives with this that the slight increase doesn't bother me in the least. It is still within normal and that is all that matters. For the other more rare disorders- that baby's risk went down which is a good thing. Overall I am relieved.

I go Friday, January 4 for an appt with my OB where they will test my progesterone level since last week I stopped doing the suppositories (thank the good Lord above!). I hope that my results turn out a-okay and I continue on with this blissfully uneventful but superbly wonderful pregnancy.

Here's to a terrific new year!!!

12 week ob appt

The dr's appointment went well today. Dr. C. found the heartbeat with the doppler right away. He says this means the baby is a girl since boys would never cooperate like that. The heartbeat was at about 150 bpm. Dr. C. says that is good. I go back in 2 weeks for a progesterone check and another heartbeat measure. I am so thankful to be treated high risk (even if I hope to not really be at any risk at all) since it means I am seen every few weeks. It is also nice to miss a day of work from time to time for good reason (although I have been warned to save my days for after the baby is born- but I have a gazillion of them so I hope to be okay...). Anyway, that is all that is going on for now. We leave for NYC Thursday so I may not post for a while. I will be thinking about all of you lovely ladies in the meantime! This support system rocks!

Melanie

The test went well. I had them redo the finger prick and we should have the results Friday. It was great to see the baby. He/she was so active and kept moving all around. The U/s tech said it was difficult to get him/her in a position to measure the fluid on the neck. All in all it was a good appointment and I feel relieved. Tomorrow is my 12 week appt and I am most nervous to get weighed. At my 8 week appt I had already weighed more than ever in my life- and that to me is a lot. I really don't feel as if I have gained too much weight this month and hopefully I am right!

On another note, I had dinner with a colleague tonight. This is my friend who went through National Boards with me. We don't have much in common but were so bonded by the NB experience that we will probably stay in touch forever. Anyhow, she has 3 step children who she doesn't have any contact with and when asked if she wants kids her reply is, "God doesn't have it in his plans for us". I have always envied her faith in that kids are His decision and have always wondered if she and her husband ever tried interventions. I got my answer today when I boastfully announced my pregnancy to her. I expected her to be thrilled for me. Don't get me wrong, she was, but she also told me about how she and her husband tried IVF and how she miscarried the 2nd week of school. I felt horrible. I came home and cried. I just expect it to be so easy for everyone else and when i am the one to be envious of- it hurts me. I have envied for so long and don't want anyone to be hurt. Infertility sucks and it really doesn't get better- even when you are pregnant. You are still tied to the thousands or millions of women who have experienced it and you wish it would go away.

Tomorrow is my 12 week check up with OB and I hope it continues to go well.

Nuchal Translucency

I am scared to death for today's nuchal translucency test. I went to bed last night and I just freaked myself out. I am hoping that everything goes well today and I am put at ease. I go to my OB for a 12 week check up tomorrow and will be relieved after that as well. I will post after my appointments to update everyone. Say a little prayer for me!

I don't mean to gripe!

I don't mean to gripe but... I went out to dinner with one of my closest friends. She has never wanted kids and I think it is because she thinks it will be hard to conceive (she is PCOS) and can't take the emotional pain. Anyway, she has never once said she wants a family. So tonight we were talking about Christmas and I was saying that it is so weird to be at this point in my pregnancy and be spending time with my SIL who has been ttc for quite a while. I was saying how I know how it feels to be surrounded by pregnant people and how I didn't want to cause any hurt being pregnant. I feel like I am extra cautious around people who are trying to conceive and maybe overly so, but I know the hurt all too well. Well, my friend started defending the situation saying that she is sure my SIL is not saddened by my happiness and I was trying to explain to her that I had been saddened so many times and I made the comment that you really don't know how it feels unless you've been there. She started relating the situation of an IFer wanting a baby to things she has wanted in her life that she hasn't been able to have (new job, house sold, etc, etc). I just wanted to blow up! How could she relate wanting a baby to those materialistic things. Anyway, I realize she doesn't know what she's talking about but I wish she would admit that instead of trying to relate and trivialize the pain IFers feel.

The word is out. I am pregnant. I have begun to tell people without the whole, "don't tell anyone" side note. Word is beginning to spread and it is another strange feeling. I am trying to keep level headed but the attention I am getting feels wrong for some reason. Almost like I am moving to the "other side" of womanhood- to know how it feels to enjoy pregnancy.

We have officially booked our trip to NYC. We will get their Thursday and go see Rent on Broadway. I have also purchased tickets to take FJ to tour Yankee stadium. He will be thrilled. I haven't finished my Christmas shopping yet but hope to this weekend. What a crazy time of year!

11 weeks

I am now entering my 11th week. I can hardly believe it. Friday I will officially be 12 weeks and will tell the world. I won't have a dr's appt until Tuesday of next week so maybe I should wait but I just can't at this point. First of all, a lot of people at work already know (I have a hard time lying and a hard time lying and a hard time keeping secrets) and secondly, I am just excited! I know that the proverbial rug can still be yanked at anytime, but I hope not. Regardless I promised myself that I would enjoy this- every second- until- well either until June or until well, you know.

My friend that I posted about last week is officially having twins. She saw two heartbeats today and I couldn't be more thrilled. We will be due 5 weeks apart but with her having twins we will most likely deliver closer together. How exciting!!!

FJ is going to give quitting smoking another go. He has purchased Chantix (I can't remember which of you recommended it but we read up on it and think its good for him) and he will begin taking it tomorrow. The one thing I don't like about it is that you gradually quit. Not too gradual- it takes 1 week, but still. I never think FJ is serious unless I see him go cold turkey. We all know how that turned out last time though so I am willing to try this. His quit date is Dec. 19- his 33rd birthday- so lets hope he holds out.

We are going up to NYC for a few days before Christmas and since NY has nothing but non smoking in restaurants- that'll help. Anyway, I hope all is well with you all. Hopefully my exhaustion will subside soon and I will be able to post more. I contine to read your blogs though and hope you know how much you all mean to me!