3 months old

T will be 3 months old tomorrow. 3 months old! That is so hard to believe. I have a 3 month old. Wow. At this time last year I drank away the sorrows of AF visiting once again. I remember it so well. Its funny because for years around AF time I would go to the restroom with trepidation, wipe, say a little prayer, and peek. (TMI?) Last year in September we took an IF break. I was still on Clomid but due to timing issues I didn't go to the RE a million times that month, didn't shoot up (ha), and didn't have an invasive procedures done. I secretly had hoped, however, that I would be pregnant anyway. One of those people who "takes a break" and wapo- gets pregnant. But no, not me. I remember the date that AF visited for the last time because we had a party for one of my friends who had just arrived after a year in Tanzania. I smoked cigarettes (I know- barf) and drank myself to oblivion. Ahhh- depression. Little did I know that my time would come the following month!

T is doing great. She is continuing to thrive, has gotten on an eating every 4 hours (with the occasional 3) routine and sleeps about 10 hours every night. I know how lucky I am. We are still swaddling her at night and once or twice during the day as needed. I worry that she will never outgrow the swaddle. Its like her miracle cure- she fusses, I swaddle her (very tightly), lay her down, and she's asleep. If I let her sleep on my lap, on the boppy, or next to me without the swaddle, she will wake up with ever little sound. With the swaddle, she sleeps so well.

She doesn't seem to "track" toys with her eyes. Everyone says that every baby is different but I worry. She makes great eye contact with me but not really with anyone else. It seems, however, that every day she focuses more and more. If I am still concerned at 4 months, I will talk to T's pediatrician about it.

I still am freaking out about pumping. It doesn't seem to be improving by the milestones that I want. I am considering waking up in the middle of the night (or at least very early in the a.m.) to get an extra pumping session. T seems to want to eat more ounces from the bottle. That depletes my supply even more. When I go back to work in 9 weeks I may have nothing for her. Ughhh- well, I better go pump!

12 weeks old

Thank you SO much for all of your advice on pumping. I am already increasing my water intake and trying to play around with the speeds/ functions of my pump. I am still pumping about 5 ounces total for my morning pump session and about 3-4 in my evening pumping session but it does seem to be increasing some.

FJ and I took T to Vermont this weekend to visit her aunt and uncle. She had her first airplane flight (flights- we actually had 4 flights with plane changes) and did great. Aside from the germs that airplanes can breed- I highly recommend flying with an infant because honestly- it didn't faze her. I fed her right before take off and then she slept the rest of the flights. We were only gone for 2 days but it was great to get away.

I haven't updated on weight loss in a few weeks so fyi- I have lost a total of 9 pounds in one month for a grand total of 37 from the biggest part of my pregnancy. I have about 2 or so pounds to go before getting to my "early" pregnancy weight (I say early instead of pre because to me, pre includes pre IF treatment which would be about 20 pounds less than that). I hope to lose about 25 or so more but will be happy with 15.

If I am lucky enough to get pregnant again, I fully intend on starting at a much lower weight and keeping my weight gain to a minimum. Beggers can't be choosers though and if I got pregnant right now and gained 10000 pounds, I'd be okay with that just to have another baby.

Pumping questions

If its not one thing to worry about- its another. So cliche, so true. T has always been a good eater- she doesn't care where her food comes from- just so long as she gets it! So at about 5 weeks old we introduced her to the bottle and now FJ feeds her a dinnertime bottle each evening. This requires me to pump so that we have the milk for the bottle. At first I thought I was doing great- I pumped about 2.5-3 ounces, T ate it, and we were done. Then, my bff (who has a 17 week old) was complaining that she thought her milk supply was reducing now that she was going back to work. When we talked details- it turned out that she pumps each a.m. for 11 minutes (both breasts) and gets 5 oz per breast! Holy canolie! I am lucky to get 5 ounces total (and I jump for joy and brag to FJ when I get that much!). Everyone always says that your body produces what your baby needs and T just doesn't seem to need more than 3-4 ounces at a feeding. She is thriving to say the least (she was 25th % at birht, 50th at 1 month, and is now 75th!) but I still wonder why my breasts aren't making more! I am going to try to pump after each feeding today to see if I can spark some production in there and build up a better supply- even if T doesn't need it.

Speaking of supply... I have mentioned before that FJ and I want to have another child sooner rather than later. The plan is to NOT go on any form of birth control and play it by ear. When T is 6 months- Dec. 19- I will stop breastfeeding and try to get my cycle back giving us a better chance of getting pregnant. FJ did not realize that I would have to stop breastfeeding in order to ovulate (I know that some women ovulate, have cycles, and get pregnant while breastfeeding but if I'm not- I will stop at 6 months). So a few weeks ago we came up with the plan that I would try to build up a supply and have some pumped milk ready so that T could actually "breastfeed" longer from a bottle. Its quite difficult to build up the supply when you are only producing 3-4 ounces at a time and that's what T takes each night! So pumping what is left after T eats is what I will have to do.

How long do you breastfeeding mom's pump? How many ounces do you get? Do you have any advice on how I can get more? I would appreciate any help that you can offer. Thanks!

How should I handle someone else's loss?

I have been stopping in at work this week to help get my substitute ready to start the year. I will be out until Nov. 17! T will be 2 days shy of 5 months old. Believe me- I know how lucky I am. School has been stressing me out though. Whenever I go up- people comment on how I shouldn't be there- yes I realize I am on maternity leave but I also need to help my sub. If I were more organized maybe I wouldn't need to be there. I switched classrooms this year so I needed to get things in order and unpacked. Plus I needed to explain some things to the sub. Tomorrow FJ is going to bring T to work with him so I can finalize a few things.

We have a new teacher this year who I know from the past. He was in a "highly qualified" course that I taught last year. When I met him, his wife had just had a baby girl and he couldn't have been a more excited/ proud new poppa. About 5 months later I had heard that his baby died of SIDS. I was pregnant at the time of hearing this and felt such sympathy for him and his wife. How could they go home to a house full of baby stuff knowing they would never see their little girl again (in this world anyway). I remember crying and crying about it. Well, now he is teaching at my school and collaborating (co-teaching) with me for 2 of my classes. When I saw him again yesterday (I hadn't seen him since the tragedy) I didn't know what to say. I wasn't even sure if he'd remember me. I had T in the B.jorn and walked into a room where he was. Another teacher made a comment that T was always sleeping. She made the comment to the new teacher as if to include him in our conversation. He looked down sadly and said that was how Hannah was. I just about lost it.

I just don't know how to handle this. Since he and I don't know each other well- I don't know if its appropriate to say something about how I am so sorry or if I should "Pretend" I don't know what happened and wait for him to tell me about Hannah. I left school yesterday crying because I can't imagine SIDS taking T but it could just as easily as it took Hannah. How should I handle this?

On another note- I lost 3 more pounds this week. I am now down 5! At my highest weight of pregnancy- I was 34 pounds more than I am now. Sadly- I have about 18 pounds to go to where my pre-IF treatment clothes will fit me. I am determined and excited to get there. I am still wearing some maternity pants since I really don't have any summer clothes that are fitting. I went to K.ohl's in hopes of buying some decent pants and nothing looks right. I am not sure if I should go ahead and buy some clothes in larger sizes now or wait until November when I go back to work and buy a new work wardrobe. Any thoughts?

2 months old- already?????

Well- I lost 2 pounds on w.eight w.atchers this week. The program accounts for bf'ing and allows you to eat much more than the non bf'er. I didn't think I'd lose anything with all I ate! I am hoping to continue the trend and be back in my non maternity clothes by the time I go back to work- 3 months from today. I have 20 pounds to go! I would love to continue losing but baby steps...

Anyhow- T will be 2 months old tomorrow. Amazing how fast time has flown. She can still fit into some of her newborn stuff despite her almost doubling of her weight! Its so hard to put clothes away that she is already out of. This weekend FJ's parents and sister and bil came for a visit. We had a great time and T got majorly spoiled. I don't think we will ever have to buy her clothes- it seems like every time I think we will need some new clothes- someone shows up with a shopping bag full. We are so thankful! T is smiling, laughing, and cooing a whole lot more than she did even last week. She loves to listen to music and for me to clap, snap, and act goofy. She doesn't, however, like sitting in her bouncy seat or swing unless she has a pacifier in her mouth and even then she just falls asleep. Does anyone have any advice/ ideas on "games" to play with T? Like I said- she loves music and will also play for a few minutes on her activity mat but those things get old for her quickly!

We may be going on our first "big" roadtrip this weekend to Washington DC. FJ's cousin goes to college there and his aunt will be in town dropping her at school. It will be the first time T meets either relative. I'm not sure we'll stay overnight- too much to have to board the dogs- but should be fun.

Weight loss journey #1

We had a busy week around here. My brother, SIL, and nephew came from AZ for a week long visit. My mom and step dad came down as well. No one stayed here (which was nice actually) but we were on the go all week long. My nephew is 3 years old (his birthday was last week) and is the cutest thing in the world. He loves T to pieces! Whenever she cried he tried to calm her by singing "Itsy Bitsy Spider". Too cute.

Now that they're gone, I am at a loss for how to spend my day. FJ went back to work last week and with company I was kept relatively busy. Now that everyone's gone I am trying to be a good entertainer for T and keep up with chores etc. I have been really lazy today though. I went to the grocery store and should really run the vaccuum and put the clean clothes away but I don't feel like it. I can see myself becoming a real couch potato while T naps. I have found that if I run too many errands, T sleeps too much. She loves to ride in the car and falls right to sleep. Typically she'll stay asleep until we get home. This is a problem if I am out of the house for hours on end. This weekend I had to wake her up to eat mid-errand-running and she went right back to sleep. So I have decided to stay at home more so I can play with T. It makes me feel cabinfeverish though. Any suggestions?

I went to my first W.eight W.atchers meeting last night. It was pretty good. I am determined to lose my baby weight as well is my IF weight. I am going to set a reasonable goal for 22 pounds. I say reasonable because I was that weight for years and years and thought I was fat. Its a weight I can keep and still eat whatever (or at least I used to be able to). I hope to actually lose more than that but I'd like to at least get there before I set my sights higher. I do best with small goals so I am going to celebrate each and every loss and also reward myself every 5 pounds gone. It was hard this a.m. because my plan was to get up and figure out what I should eat. T was fussy so I was trying to soothe her but I was also hungry. My first instinct was to grab something without planning it out. Luckily I got my act together and planned out my day before grabbing my breakfast. Now I just have to stick with it. One day at a time!

Back to work- FJ

FJ had to go back to work today. Blehhhggg. I am a little stressed that today might be a crazy day. I have found that when I get frustrated with T, I pass her off to him. Its been so nice to be able to do this for 6 weeks. My mom, stepdad, SIL, BIL, and nephew are all here to visit until Saturday. I am sure that they will be helpful. The thing is- we discovered that T works really well on a schedule (within reason). We have a 3 hour schedule where she wakes up, eats, has some playtime, and sleeps. If I can get her down for a nap when she shows the first signs of tired- she sleeps for 1-2 hours without fuss. If she goes even the slightest bit without being put down for a nap- she is overstimulated and won't sleep to save her life. The problem with this is company. Everyone wants to hold her and fuss with her constantly. Yesterday FJ and I had to bring her up to her crib for her naps (usually she sleeps in the living room pack and play) in order that everyone would leave her alone. The good news is that regardless of the type of day she has had- she is still sleeping relatively well at night. We feed her at 9, she sleeps until 2ish, eats, and sleeps until 6. I am excited for the day when she drops the 2 o'clock feeding but she is only 6 weeks old and I am not working yet so I am not going to stress about it. So the other day mom and I took T shopping looking for coordinating outfits for my nephew B and T (they are getting their pictures done Friday). Anyhow, mom insisted on sitting in the backseat with T. T typically falls right to sleep in the car- she may fuss for a minute or so but once we are out of our neighborhood- she is asleep. My mom sat in the back and "tried" to calm T down while we were leaving the neighborhood and then T never slept the whole way! Its hard to tell my mom how to do things because she thinks she knows best.

I had my 6 week postpartum appt thursday. It went well. Typically I am very uncomfortable with internal exams but thursday's was fine. I think that giving birth may have solved my issues since more people saw my vajay then I care to count. I was given the go ahead for intercourse, exercise etc which was a relief (more for the exercise than the intercourse!). I did have my "I don't want to be on birth control" talk with my OB. He agreed that if we want another baby right away then there is no point. It is nearly impossible for me to get pregnant on my own but wouldn't it be ironic if I was one of those people who got pregnant while bf'ing. It feels strange to have to "worry" about that! Whatever happens happens!

So since I was given the go ahead- I went for a run last night and again this morning. These runs are SHORT and I am just trying to break my body into exercising again. I haven't worked out since August/ September of last year! I am still 15 or so pounds more than that time so running is not exactly comfortable. I had to put on a probably too small sports bra in order to anchor my huge breasts down so I was comfortable. My shorts are snug and I only have a few t-shirts that look okay. Hopefully the rest of the weight will come off soon because I don't feel like I look good when I go for runs.

That's all for now! I hope everyone enjoys this week!