I had a meeting this afternoon with my department (I am the head of the Social Studies dept at my school). My friend, who is 12 weeks prego, was there. We decided to organize the millions of resources I have in my cabinet and everyone kept saying, "A, stop carrying stuff, you are pregnant" or "I am not pregnant, let me carry that for you". Every time the word "pregnant" came up, I cringed. For a brief selfish instant my mind thinks, "does anyone realize how awkward that word is for me?". I know they don't, but sometimes I wish they would. I told FJ this and he thinks I am crazy- 'Why would they think you are bothered by it?'. Now keep in mind that I am fairly open with my infertility besides the fact that most people I work with gossip like you wouldn't believe. So I am confident that every person in my dept knows my deal. Anyway, I just think pregnant talk is so awkward for me and sometimes I wish people noticed. Is that weird, selfish, strange???
Also at school today we got a full staff email from a woman who sends way too many full staff emails. This one was about a memorial service that her son and DIL were having for their child that was, "born too soon". She talked about SHARE and how she had lost 3 babies and went on to have 5 children and how she will never forget the babies she lost. It was a strange thing to send out to 150 staff members, most of which don't know her from Adam. But it touched me. I cried reading it and thought that most people won't appreciate it but I hoped for one second that people who read it thought about those of us in this situation who have lost babies or who can't have them... yet. When I asked a colleague if she had read it, she exclaimed that it was weird that she was so upset about it that she would need a support group. I was like WTF??? Of course she is upset, it was her grandchild!!??!! But anyway, unfortunately I think the woman's too frequent emails and probably inappropriate subject matter didn't allow anyone to stop anda think.
I feel really selfish lately. Like, what about me???? I want a baby, I want people to refrain from talking about babies, pregnancy, etc, etc and its impossible I know. So it makes me feel crazy because that is what I am.
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This is where I am at ... insanely "what about me" feelings
Oh G-D. I hate, hate, hate the P word. It gets bandied about so much and no one ever thinks about its implications. Ohhhhh, you're PREGNANT. WOW, what a BIG DEAL! News flash: every person on this earth is here because someone was pregnant. Not all that exciting or special.
Well, except for us. Because we had to try so hard :)
I can tell you with all certainty that they don't realize how hard that word is for you. They don't understand what it's like to live with IF. Unless you're in that world, you don't understand it. I didn't understand it until I began to live it...even though I knew it was my lot in life from the age of 16.
I'm amazed at people that I've met that weren't deeply affected by their miscarriages. It's something that I will never understand. I don't think I want to understand it.
Of course you have the right to be selfish! Why shouldn't people be considerate of you and your feelings? They're being considerate of the 12 week-er...why not of you? IF is a delicate condition, too!
I agree that the email is strange to send out to a ton of people who aren't familiar with the situation in the first place. I am sorry that you are feeling surrounding by that 'p' word these days. It just has a really good way of sneaking up on us, ya know?
I completely understand. There is no other topic discussed in my school other than children or pregnancy. I absolutely hate it. And a good number of people know about me too (more because I need their help covering classes when I have to go to the doctor for the millionth time), but they don't get it. Unless you're in it, you don't get it. It's annoying and it sucks. I'm sorry you have to go through it, but know you are definitely not alone.
On a side note...I teach middle school social studies too. :)
I understanding wishing people would just take the p-word out of the dictionary. But Amanda's right - even if they know, they don't really know unless they've been through it themselves.
Doesn't mean I don't want to poke their eyes out with a rusty spoon, though.
I totally get what you are saying. this past year I have "removed" myself from anything related to friend's children. I've turned down many invitations because being with small children and babies or talk of small children and babies is like a knife in my gut. it's just too hard right now.
Everyone grieves differently so I guess she sent that email because she likes to share her pain with others? Most people prefer to be more private about their loss(es) but I assume there are some who feel otherwise.
I know I am so selfish in my thoughts. I try not to act on my instincts but immediately when someone says the P-word, I shrivel up and get bitter. You are so not alone there.
And LIW is right - it gets to me when people treat you like royalty because you're pregnant. Like no one else has ever been pregnant before? Give it a rest!
XOXO
I am right there with you...I am insanely jealous too though. I have never been so selfish. I have always been such a generous person but I just don't have the energy right now. I am constantly thinking - WHEN will it be my turn? WHY do you get to have it and I DON'T? I have a hard time being happy for people - okay I take that back - I CAN'T be happy for people that are pregnant. I really don't like what IF has made me become.
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